Save Me
by Waterlooroadfan99
Summary: Ethan is the new doctor in town but unfortunately for him so is his brother, Caleb. The two brothers have never got on and with their mother's death looming over them, who or what will Ethan turn to for comfort? WARNING: Mentions of self-harm and eating disorder in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

"Please welcome our new doctor Ethan Hardy" Zoe Hanna said to her fellow staff as Ethan walked into the staffroom.

But unbeknown to him, his brother Caleb shortly followed suit. "And to our other new doctor Caleb Knight".

"What are you doing here?" Asked Ethan

"I could ask you the same question" replied Caleb

"Do you to know each other" asked Zoe who was confused.

"He's my brother" the two young doctors said in sync.

With that the rest of the staff left the room to allow the doctors to get changed.

The last thing Ethan needed right now was his brother to turn up unexpectedly, especially after the death of their mother.

As Ethan was putting his things into his locker Cal asked "What you got for lunch then nibbles? Better be a salad, you need to watch your weight" teased Cal.

But Ethan did not see it this way.

Ethan POV

Why did he say that. He's always teasing me. Why can't he see that it hurts, it's not funny. Am I really fat? Of course I must be otherwise Cal wouldn't have said that. Oh mum why did you have to go? You always knew how to comfort me when Cal was horrible to me.

End of POV

"Sometime today would be nice boys" Zoe said as she popped her head round the staffroom door.


	2. Chapter 2

WARNING: Self harm

"Cal resus and Ethan cubicle 3 please" Zoe said

Ethan headed over to cubicle three. "Why does cal always get the better jobs, I mean its not as if hes better than me. If anything I'm better than him" Ethans thoughts were racing round his head. He hated Cal, they hadnt seen each other in years until a couple of weeks ago at their mums funera

l

"Hello, my names Dr. Hardy, you must be Miss. Tang" Ethan said as he entered the cubicle. Ethan was determined to put his brother behind and focus on the case ahead. "How are you feeling?"

"My chest hurts, cant breathe properly"

"Ok, Robyn I would like FBCs, U and Es, an ECG and a chest x-ray. I'll be back shortly."Ethan wandered to the desk to collect his patients paperwork.

"Alright little bro, first day of work overwhelming. We both know you tend to struggle under pressure." Caleb had joined Etham at the desk, much to his annoyance.

"I'm fine Cal, nothing I cant handle."

Ethan left and returned to his patient. "Miss Tang, I have your results. Turns out you've got a mild case of Angina. Not to worry, I'll just write you a prescription up to collect" With that Ethan walked off for his lunch break.

He felt as if his concentration was off, but he reassured himself he was fine. I mean seeing your estranged brother doesn't happen everyday. His mother had just passed and he had just started a new job. As he stared at his lunch, Cals comment from the morning came into his mind and suddenly he was no longer hungry.

He threw his lunch into the bin and was about to return to his patient when he was called by Rita.

Zoe was in resus with his patient who had collapsed. "What on Earth have you done with this patient Ethan, she has a pneumothorax, did you not think to put a chest drain in?"

"She had Angina, I swear.."

"Luckly you're brother was on hand to help. Go home Ethan"

"I'm sorry Zoe"

"It's alright I get it. First day and all, no damage done."

Ethan left to get changed and couldn't help thinking how Zoe had compared him to Cal. His father used to do it all the time and thats why he grew to dislike him.

Ethan arrived at home. He slumped down onto the sofa and couldn't help but think about everything that had gone wrong. He looked at the picture of his mum, brother and himself. It was taking n about 10 years previous on a family holiday when they all got along and had fun.

He couldn't believe how much his life had deteriated since then. Him and Cal don't see eye to eye and his mother is now dead. A tear slipped down his cheek. He tried to wipe it away but before he knew it floods were tearing down his face.

He had a thought, one he'd never had before. He ran to the bathroom dismantling his razor to get a blade. "If patients can do it to make themselves feel better than why can't I?" He thought. He sat on the toilet seat and dug the razor into his wrist.

One.

Drop.

Two.

Drip.

Three

Drop.

Four.

Drip.

He made countless angry red marks down his : Selfharm

As he sliced his skin, all the pain, the hatred went away. Zoes anger, his hatred for cal and his mothers death.

His arms were covered in blood as he came to o a stop. He washed his arms and put the blade away. Ethan then made his way to bed, skipping dinner as well that day. Hr pomised himself he ould eat tomorrow and that he would never cut again.

But could he really keep it?

A/N: Thanks for reading. Did this on my phone so sorry for any typos. Was a nightmare to upload! Pease review/follow/favourite. I cant belive how many reads the firsr chapter got and those who reviwed thaks for the positive feedback :)


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for reading my previous chapter. Thanks for the positive feedback and also the advice. This is based on personal experience so I know quite a lot about the topics. I do not in any way want to glamourize self-harm or eating disorders for that matter. If you or someone you know is struggling get help. It won't last forever, I promise. I'm always here if you want to chat! This chapter is dedicated to who has read and reviewed both my chapters so far so I want to say that you for that. (She's not the only one - All your reviews make me smile.) Anyway, enough of me talking, enjoy!**

**WARNING: Mentions of self-harm**

Ethan awoke groggy and unaware of the previous night's events. That was until he saw his wrists. Suddenly memories flooded his mind about what had happened. He regretted it immediately, wondering why he had done it.

His alarm clock sounded informing Ethan it was time to get ready for work. He realised he had to wear a long-sleeved stop under his scrubs at work in order to hide his wrists. No one could find out, he reassured himself it was a onetime thing and he would never do it again.

Ethan got changed, packing a white long-sleeved top to change into at work and then grabbed an apple for breakfast and jumped into his car.

He soon pulled upside outside Holby City Hospital ED. He swiftly got out of his car and made his way to the staffroom to get changed. As he approached the room he saw Cal in there about to get changed.

"Alright, little bro. Over the mishap from yesterday are we"

"Yes" Ethan stammered confidently. He didn't want Cal to think of him as a failure or as if he couldn't so things right.

"Good, good. Care to join me whilst we get changed, we can catch up"

"Urmm, no thanks. I'll go to the toilets." And with that Ethan was off before Cal could make any remarks about Ethan's weight (which was absolutely fine, but anything Cal would say Ethan took straight to heart).

Ethan shut himself in the cubicle and got changed; ensuring he put his long-sleeved top on underneath his scrubs as so to hide his arms. He took a few moments to brace himself for the day ahead before exiting the cubicle and heading back to the staffroom to put his clothes into his locker.

Once he arrived there Cal had long gone and he was treated by Zoe.

"Morning Ethan, sorry if I was a bit hard on you yesterday. I didn't mean to be quite so forceful."

"It's alright Zoe, honest. It was just hard seeing Cal but I'm now"

"That's good to hear and I'm sorry about your mum.

Zoe and Ethan stood there in silence, Ethan not knowing how to respond.

"Cal told me" Zoe proceeded

'How dare he' Ethan thought but dare not to say it. "Right thanks"

"Why are you wearing a long sleeved top Ethan? It's not that cold is it?"

Ethan panicked, not knowing what to say. Zoe couldn't find out.

"Urmm, I'm cold"

"Right well cubicle 4 needs you"

"Thanks Zoe" Ethan made his way towards cubicles, picking up his patients notes on the way.

"Good morning Mr. Wilkes. How are you today?"

"How do you think" the man spat. He looked in his mid fourties with a gash to his hand and head and strongly smelling of alcohol.

"If you could remain calm please sir and I can assess your injuries" Ethan attempted to reason with his patient.

"Hurry up, I need to get back to the pub"

"You won't be going anywhere anytime soon I'm afraid. We're going to have to x-ray that hand to see what damage you have done"

"I ain't done nothin'. It was _his_ fault" The man shouted, while pointing to another man in the bed opposite.

"Please Mr. Wilkes. The quicker you co-operate, the quicker you can leave"

"I don't think you know what you are doing, I want another doctor"

"I can ensure you-"

"Did someone call a doctor?" Cal made an appearance in the cubicles along with Zoe who was wondering what the commotion was about.

'Great', Ethan thought. 'She thinks I can't do my job and has got Cal to help _again_!'

Zoe told Cal to take over the patients treatment and took Ethan to the staffroom.

"Ethan, I'm beginning to question how good a doctor you are"

"I came top of my class"

"Yes and that's all very well but I need to make sure you can put it into practice. Look, have a break and try another patient. They can be difficult at times and even the most brilliant doctors can find it hard to deal with the trickier ones. Don't be too hard on yourself"

Ethan sat himself down on the sofa. He had subconsciously been picking at the cuts under his top and was relieved no one had noticed. He heard his stomach rumble and realised he had forgotten his lunch. He suddenly remember the apple he had picked up for breakfast and went to his locker to get it.

"Have you seen that new doctor, Caleb, he's amazing" Robyn burst through the staffroom door followed by Lofty and Max.

"Yeah I know, he's amazing-oh hi, you must be Ethan" Lofty started to speak before he realised that Ethan was stood in the room as well.

"Hi." Ethan felt useless. A waste of space. Worthless. So many more words sprang to mind. He ran to the toilets where he locked himself in the cubicle and felt tears slip down his face.

"They all hate me. I've done nothing wrong, but they hate me! I wish the ground would swallow me up. I'm fed up of being compared to Cal. I'm just never good enough when he's around"

Ethan slumped against the door and broke into floods of tears.

He didn't know how long he'd been there until his pager started to bleep. He ignored it and attempted to stem his tears.

"Does anybody know where Ethan has got to?" Zoe had gathered the team together as she needed Ethan and had no idea where he had got to.

Lofty had volunteered to go to the toilets to find Ethan.

"Ethan, you in here?"

Ethan tried to stay as quiety as possibly however he let out a soft sob. He quickly dried his eyes and stood up.

"Ethan, you alright mate, we were wondering where you had got to"

"Yeah fine, just had a call about mum's funeral that's all" Ethan was hoping Lofty would buy this story. He felt Lofty's eyes burning through his top t his wrists, seeing through his lies, seeing through it all.

"Well, Zoe needs you"

"Thanks"

Ethan made his way to Zoe.

"Sorry, Zoe a call about mum's funeral. I know I should have told you but it was sudden."

"It's alright, at least you weren't skiving. So Cubicle 2?"

Ethan nodded and made his way there,

"Hello, how are you?"

"I'm alright, my wrist hurts though"

"Miss. Saunders is that right?"

"Eloise"

"Where's your mother, Eloise?"

"She's getting a coffee, here she is now" Just then Elouise's mother walked in.

"Everything alright doctor?"

"Yes fine, just need to do an x-ray to see if it's broken or not"

Ethan organised the x-ray and promptly got the results, trying not to think of what had happened earlier.

"Well, it's broken so I'll get Robyn here to plaster it and then you're free to go home"

"Thank you"

"You're very welcome"

Ethan left with a smile. 'At least someone appreciates me' he thought.

Ethan got changed back into his normal clothes and left the ED with Robyn's earlier comment still in the back of his head. He remembered he had not had lunch that day so must cook himself something when he got home.

A few hours later, Ethan had eaten and was getting ready for bed when he entered the bathroom and saw the razor from the day before. He felt like a failure. Cal had yet again taken over his patient, Robyn had mentioned how amazing Cal was. Ethan felt hurt, left out. He didn't want to resort to this. He knew it was wrong. But yet it felt so right. He promised himself he wouldn't.

He lost control.

One. For being Cal's little brother

Two. For being alone

Three. For being fat

Four. Fur giving in

Five. For not being good enough

He continued until his eyes were blurred with tears. He missed his mum, he wanted her back. He wanted Cal to be the same bother he had when he was 11. Those times were long gone and Ethan was all alone now.

He took some tissue and stemmed the bleeding.

He felt guilty.

He felt stupid.

He felt worthless.

Ethan went to bed and cried himself to sleep. He couldn't cope. He was cracking. Why couldn't he be more like his older brother? That's the question he asked himself daily. He's was the amazing one, the good one, the best one.

**A/N: Thanks for reading again! It was much longer than expected. I will try to update soon, but school! Thanks again ****J**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry I've been away for ages but had school work to deal with! I'm back now though! I would firstly like to thank all of you that take your time to read this story and who review and favourite it! Thank you so much! Thank you again for your continued support and I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

A week had passed and yet again Ethan awoke from a night of crying himself to sleep. His wrists were littered in cuts he had made himself. Ethan made his way to the bathroom to shower and caught his reflection in the mirror. 'Fat', he thought to himself, 'Ugly'. Ethan was immediately comparing himself to Caleb. He was thin and agile yet Ethan was pudgy and fat. Ethan jumped in the shower and turned the temperature up to the hottest it went to. The water was burning on his skin but he didn't care.

Time passed and Ethan was ready to leave for work. He had skipped breakfast – he didn't need it, he thought. Ethan drove into work and made his way to the staff room.

When he arrived he spotted Cal through the glass. 'Great' he thought to himself.

"Hey little bro" Caleb said.

"Hey" Ethan replied.

"Ready for another day at work, Zoe reckons I'm the best doctor here"

Ethan zoned out by then. Typical Cal, blowing his own trumpet. Why couldn't Cal see how much this hurt Ethan, how much Ethan longed to be like his big brother.

"You alright, seemed in the clouds there, Eth" Caleb asked worriedly.

"Yeah I'm fine" Ethan said, "perfectly fine". But he knew it wasn't and only time would tell when Caleb would find out.

Lunch swiftly rolled round and Ethan went to the peace garden for some fresh air. Well, that's what he told the others but in theory he could get away with eating little there. He knew he had to eat to keep his energy up so the others didn't suspect anything but didn't want to gain more weight. He ate his sandwich and threw the rest away just in time as Zoe showed up.

"Alright Ethan? You seem a bit down lately"

"I'm fine, just needed some air. It's just stress that's all, what with mum and that"

"Oh yes of course, isn't Cal helping?"

"No, you know what he's like, he's not good with this sort of thing." The truth was that Cal ahd offered the help but Ethan preferred to get things done by himself.

"Yes, I agree but he sure is a good doctor. Come on back to work, reactivate those diagnosis skills of those"

With that Zoe left Ethan with his thoughts but he briskly made his way back to the ED.

A/N: Please review :) Also if you don't like comment by another please do not be mean to them over it. Everyone is allowed their own opinion. I hope you all enjoyed it! Thanks again :)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: It's been so long since I've updated this and I'm so sorry! I've been so busy with school! Any way here's a very overdue next chapter!**

Ethan managed to get though the rest of the day by the skin of his teeth. He couldn't wait to get home but of course Cal had other ideas.

"Oh, come on Nibbles, one round at the pub and then we'll go home. I promise."

"No, for the last time Cal I don't want to. I'll walk home."

With that Ethan began the long, lonely, walk home. Once he arrived all he wanted to do was collapse on the sofa but a call from Lily stopped that from happeneing.

"Hey Ethan, you'll never guess what!?"

"Hi Lily"

"I've been nominated as best doctor in Holby! Zoe had to nominate the best doctor in the ED. Here I am!"

"Oh…right"

"You alright Ethan? Don't worry I'm sure you were next on Zoe's list. Anyway need to tell everyone the good news. Catch you tomorrow bright and early!"

Ethan knew he wasn't the best doctor in the ED let alone Holby but he still felt upset and resentful.

' But why would Zoe agree to nominate someone? Surely that's just making the rest of us feel insecure and bad about ourselves! Maybe it's just me, being overly emotional again! Urghh maybe I'll quit while I'm ahead.' Ethan thought.

With that Ethan fell asleep on the sofa. Three hours passed until Cal returned home and startled Ethan awake.

"Nibbles, bro. You missed a great evening."

"Drunk again Cal! When will you learn to look after yourself!" Ethan almost shouted. He was so wound up and just lost it.

"Ethan, bro, everything alright?"

"It's fine Cal, just go to bed"

With that Ethan ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom.

"Ethan, I'm sorry. "

No response

"Look, I'm going to bed. We'll talk in the morning yeah Nibbles"

Cal couldn't help but be worried. He knew he wasn't the best brother but he was worried about Ethan. He wasn't himself.

Ethan was sat against the bath, tears streaming down his face with a little box in his hands. He knew he shouldn't but he just couldn't take it anymore. Cal, Work, Mum, Lily, Zoe. There was always a reason.

'Why does Cal think he can mess me about all the time. No one likes me at work, I have no frineds outside of work. What's the point in trying anymore. I'm ugly, fat and worthless. I can't o this anymore!' Ethan wanted to scream but he didn't want to wake Cal up.

Ethan opened the little box and took out the offending instrument.

One.

Two.

Three lines Ethan made across his wrist. He almost breathed a sigh of relief. He knew this was wrong but it felt good to him.

He sat there for five more minutes until his arm was little in fresh cuts in amongst his old faded ones. He proceeded to bandage up his arm and cleaned the floor.

Little did he know Cal was sat outside the bathroom listening to Ethan beat himself up. He heard every word he had said. 'Oh Ethan-you should have come to me' But he didn't know the extent to which Ethan was upset to. Cal heard Ethan approach the door an darted into his room.

Ethan wandered into his bedroom and was reminded by a pang his stomach he hadn't had dinner. He didn't really care though. Might give him chance to lose a few pounds if he did this more often. Not that he wanted to make a habit of it. Ethan got into bed and eventually fell asleep.

Cal laid awake tossing and turning for hours, wondering how Ethan felt like this. He tried to reassure himself Ethan would be fine tomorrow but he wasn't entirely sure.

**A/N: Thank for reading! Please review and once again I do not promote this behaviour!**


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